Where has the sweetness gone?

Lately a whole lot of people have been wondering what is wrong with me. Of course not many of them are asking me, I hear it through the grapevine. Don't you love that??
Anyway... I didn't think anything was wrong with me. Do you ever find yourself at a place where you think and feel things deeply than usual? That is where I am right now..I guess I just didn't realize it had flowed over to my public face :)

Being a pastor's wife is sometimes not all that great. People expect more out of you. You cannot ever have a day (or a month) where you are quiet..God forbid! If you do there is automatically something wrong with you or you are being mean. It is very lonely being a pastor's wife. You can't talk to anyone really. Even those you feel like you can trust..you still can't tell them EVERYTHING. Too much at risk...too much hurt that can be caused. So..you talk to yourself. and when that happens, sometimes you can go crazy. Case in point:

I have been thinking so many things lately. Feeling things I haven't felt in years, and not really wanting to. I feel so lacking, in every area. Sometimes it feels like I go through the day in a fog. Not seeing anything or anyone around me. I am SO tired of being overweight. It gets really depressing sometimes. I know I could do more, but being diabetic at the same time makes it feel like an uphill battle that I will never win. I think about having the gastric bypass surgery just so I don't have to wait for it to disappear all the time. But truthfully, I am not ready for that surgery. I don't know if I ever will be. So I continue the fight...and continue to be wounded along the way.
I try to not let it show that my weight bothers me. I love myself as a person...so I try to walk in that. But truth be told..I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate sitting in a chair and seeing my stomache. I hate to have my picture taken. I hate the weight! When the times come where I am feeling good about myself and I "feel" like I am looking good...I see my reflection, or a picture and it disappears. I try..really I do. Just last week I was weighed at the doctor's office and I had lost 10 lbs. Then today I weighed myself and it is all back plus 2. I have not eaten more in the past week...in fact I have eaten a whole lot less because I have been sick. Nothing seems to work and I am so tired of working and not getting results!!

Well that is enough for tonight... I need to head off to bed. God, please hold me tonight.

Advancement Cake :)

Well, last night was Kaleb's 5th grade advancement ceremony. He is officially a 6th grader now! I still can't believe it. I still remember the little boy who dumped powdered donuts on my green carpet and then offered one to me. Look at him now...

He is starting to try and break away from the parental unit..although at times I can tell he doesn't want to. The pull from nature is something he can't fight :) He has finally been allowed to grow his hair out. He has begged us for this for a few years. Although dad still doesn't really like it...I do :) I think he looks very cute! In the pictures, he is in definite need of a haircut (very poofy), but I like it longer. I have always known Kaleb to love acting and singing. He has been in Christmas plays since he was 4, I guess I just never realized he actually is pretty good. He was in a musical his 5th grade class put on called The Wild West. He played several roles, but his favorite was Thomas Jefferson. The teachers continue to go on and on about how good he did. Even last night, I had his 4th grade teacher come up to me and say how he and another boy brought her to tears, they were so good. That makes me a PROUD mama. I hope he get involves in drama in 6th...he said he really wants to.
For finishing elementary school, I wanted to get him a gift, but I just didn't know what. It couldn't be really big..but something to say we are proud of him. My husband came up with a great idea. We got him a a gold chain, with the number one on it ( His baseball and basketball number were 1) He really liked it!

On a side note..getting ready for the ceremony last night, Raegan decided she would do something extra special to get ready..she would cut her hair! The funny thing is I never noticed, until I went to her room to help her get dressed. I opened the door and there on the floor was a pair of scissors and lots of beautiful golden hair!

I looked at her and said, "What did you do?!" She immediately broke into tears and said, "I am sorry mama!" I hugged her, trying to calm her down. Then I asked her, "Why did you do it?" Her response was, "I wanted to look pretty for Kaleb's graduation!" Kaleb heard us and came in. When we heard her say this he gathered her in his arms, trying to tell her it was OK and she was very pretty. So here is a close up of the "hack" job :) Truthfully you can't really tell all that much..maybe should do it for a living :)



All in all it was a good night. I am so proud of Kaleb! I am blessed to be his mom :)

Missing Cake

I have been absent for a while, haven't I? I think about writing all the time..but to many other things to do!
So here I am , found again :)

OK...so Easter came and went. It goes by so fast for us. There is always something at church. I went on our Youth Convention trip Easter weekend. I have done it for 5 years, but this was my last. I realized I am not cut out for it anymore :) I was able to get Nathan a new suit while I was out of town. Boy, was he excited!! Isn't he handsome!

But let us not forget Raegan and Kaleb too :)

they especially enjoyed the candy from the Easter bunny and the Easter pig :)

And now here we are in May already. Baseball season has begun for both boys. we have games or practices at least 3x a week or more :) whew! Kaleb is getting ready to go into Middle School. (that is just weird!!!) Nathan is finishing up 1st grade. Raegan is learning so much!! She can write her own name and she knows most of the letters in the alphabet now. Strangers are constantly dumbstruck with Raegan :)

Yesterday we were at Panera, eating lunch and I took Raegan to the bathroom. There was a lady in there who said to Raegan, "Oh, my what beautiful jammies you have on." To which Raegan replied, "These aren't jammies. I know they look like pj's but there not. They look like pj's but there not." So funny! Here is the outfit in question...

SO many things are in my head, I don't even know what to write.

Tomorrow is mother's day. I love being a mother, but can I say..there are things that life does not prepare you for as a mother :) Aging boys, opinionated girls, the need for reassurance, endless cuddles and kisses. Stories to be read EVERY night, messes that never end. Sometimes I really don't know where Gwen beings and Mommy ends. Maybe that is how it should be?

I love my little ones... the bring me joy unspeakable and at times worry unshakable but they are mine and I am truly blessed.

Girl Cake

I thought today I would tell you about a conversation I had with Raegan recently. It involves private parts, so the faint of heart should stop reading now :)

One day I was getting dressed and Raegan came in my room. Privacy is a privilege I lost when I had my first baby. Anyway, as I was getting dressed
she said "Mommy what are those?" (pointing to my chest)
I said, "Those are breasts."
Noticing she had a face on that said I can't say that word, I said, "They are boobies."
"Oh.."she said. " I don't have boobies, (lifting up her shirt) I have ribs."
I said " Well I have ribs too, they are just under my boobies."
"Oh, yeah, my boobies are under my ribs."
"No, honey, you don't have boobies yet, you won't get them till you are older."
"Oh...yeah, when I am bigger then I will have boobies!" (big smile on her face.)

It is so funny to see the differences between boys and girls. Raegan can't wait to look like me...wear a bra. I told her when she starts to have boobies that I will take her shopping and we will find her a bra. By her reaction you would have thought I was going to buy her a brand new toy! It is so cute!

I love my daughter so much, however I do not wish on her my boobies! Hopefully she will not take after me in that department

Chocolate Cake or Yellow Cake??

Choices...there are always a lot of those to make throughout the day. How many of them are the right ones? This morning I had the choice to watch tv or play with Raegan. Today I chose to play. We played Beauty Parlor! She loved being able to sit in front of the mirror and put on make-up. We curled our hair and decided that today was not a good day to have our nails done :) It was fun and when we were done we looked FABULOUS! But to be honest I usually chose the tv. Why do we spend so much time chosing things that don't matter? Like tonight, when we got home from church. It was almost 9pm and I was rushing Raegan to get ready for bed. I was rushing her because LOST starts at 9 and I didn't want to miss it. She, being the silly three year old she is, was being silly and dancing around her room. I snapped at her and told her 4 times in a progressively loud voice to get pj's on. Then once she was in bed and under the covers, for some reason I felt the need to scold her for having all of her shoes on the floor. Why did I do that? Was LOST really that important? NO!!!! Of course not, yet I chose to make it that important. My sweet little girl said in a small quiet voice, "I am sorry mommy." I am such a mean mom sometimes!!!

I truly understand the conflict Paul tells us about in Romans 7:15-19.. "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, and what I hate I do. I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing."

This is a picture of my existence!! My heart chooses the right thing...but that does not always happen.

Then you have the choices that are forks in the road. Which way do you go? How do you know which is the right way? Why doesn't God come down from heaven and answer these choices?? God, should I talk to this person? God, what do you want me to do with my life? Should I steer my children down this road, or the other road?
These choices are frustrating! Sometimes it is hard to know what he wants us to do. Sometimes I think, if I take the time to ask, he should be kind enough to answer. I mean, I am asking because I want to know what he wants me to do. Why is that so hard??
My wonderful, pastor, husband says he thinks that if you pray and ask God for an answer and He doesn't give you one, then the answer is do nothing. Stay still and keep doing what you are doing. God will answer you..

Tonight I pray that God gives me the strength to chose the desire of my heart and the ears to hear His answer!

Be-Lated Birthday Cake for my Mr. Incredible

Well, here I am writing to my husband, a day after his birthday! I am an awful wife!! :) Well, yesterday my husband turned 32. It is so funny I always vowed I would never marry someone younger than me..yet here I am. I guess one year isn't that big of a deal, right? For his birthday the kids and I bought him a running suit, a golf club and some golf balls. Raegan was very excited about giving him the golf balls :) Then we went to Outback steakhouse for dinner. Then, Patrick took the kids to Toys R Us to go shopping for some toys. We just got our tax refund and he and I wanted to treat the kids to something, since we never seem able to do that. That is my husband! He loves to shop and not just for himself. He loves to buy others gifts! I love this about him! He is so giving..sometimes I have to tell him no!

Patrick, I am so blessed to be your wife. You are a wonderful man with love in his heart. I am excited to see what life has in store for us. You are my best friend and my comical relief :) I would be lost in this world without you. I love you and I am so glad on this day you were born to be part of my life now.

Birthday Cake!

Today is the day my first sibling was born! Ryan Dean Moore...my baby brother. So I dedicate this blog to him,

An ode to Ryan

31 Reasons I love my brother Ryan...

1. He is my brother

2. Because we made a news show together on tape

3. He does the No Bones dance like no one I know!

4. He is a wonderful husband to his wife

5. He is an awesome father to his daughter

6. He knew where he wanted to live out his life and moved there.

7. He went to college.

8. He inspires me to be better

9. He makes me think about things

10. He has tea parties with his daughter (I have seen pictures)

11. He still loves G I Joe

12. He is a funny guy!

13. He makes an awesome Chicken Marsala!

14. He is still friends with his friends in highschool (amazing!)

15. He loves the simple things in life!

16. I love that I was the first to show how much I love him today :) (haha Rhonda)

17. He loves God...deeply.

18. He is a true superhero fan

19. Whether he realizes it or not, he is a superhero to some :)

20. He is opinionated

21. Because he believes me when I say the cantaloupe makes my throat itch

22. He is ALWAYS right.

23. One day he will be famous

24. He is a hard worker..even though Panera is not his final resting place.

25. He used to have hair that stuck up like woodstock

26. He survived brain surgery and has the scar to prove it

27. To me he resembles strong, quiet assurance

28. He is highly intelligent

29. Not really :) (just kidding..you are )

30. Years ago he sat and listened to me share difficult experiences I have had in my life and didn't do anything..except listen :)

31. And finally because one day I believe with all my heart he will be an author, because my brother has the most amazing talent in using the written word, and I (besides his wife) will be his biggest fan!!





Ryan,

You amaze me in ways you probably don't realize.
After living with you for 16 years, I think I am
Now beginning to know you..the real you.

I love you so much...Happy Birthday!!
Love, Your Big little sister

The piece that is hard to swallow...

Have you ever had that happen to you? You think the cake you are eating is great and could never disappoint and then as you swallow, the piece becomes lodged in your throat. That is my life today. Today is the piece I never wanted to swallow, but had no choice...and it hurt. It feels as though it is still there..even as I write this there is an ache in the middle of my throat. This piece marks the 17th year since my mother died. I was 16 at the time and a completely self absorbed teenager. That is one thing I wish I could go back and change. I would have cared more about her and who she was. Then she was just my mom. You know the lady who never let me do anything and was ruining my life. Now she is the mother that I wish was my friend. In all honestly..it was me who was ruining my life, not her. Not to say she was perfect..she wasn't. There are some decisions she made that I know of that I have to know what "not" to do. Like, hiding bills from your husband and getting so far in debt, there is almost no way out. But I am sure there is so much about her that was good and inspiring. Like the fact that mother was handicap. You know most people don't know that about her. When I talk about her, it is never anything I think to tell people. But she was. One of her legs was half the length of the other, and she was missing toes on each foot. She had 4 on the normal leg and 3 on the small leg. She was able to walk with a wooden leg. How I wish I could have her to ask questions like.." Mom, how was it growing up with a handicap?" "How did poeple treat you?" "If they were mean, how did you handle it?" "Why did you become a teacher?" " "Did you ever feel like God wasn't there?" " Mom, do think my wedding dress is beautiful?" "Mom, will you come into the delivery room with me?" "Mom I am so worried about Nathan sometimes, what should I do?" "When you have disagreements with your husband, what should you do?"
I could go on and on..and truth be told I would never stop. It is so funny how death affects you. In my life it has done a few things. I found myself being fearful of dying early in life..leaving my children without a mother. So I began a journal to my daughter. I attempt to answer random questions..anything I can think I might want to know from my mom. That way in case I die, I know she will know me in some way. I have always struggled with what to do for my sons. Still working on that one. Death has also made me love my siblings. They are my family...and i think about them all the time. At 16 I could have cared less about them...not anymore. I often think of Ryan and wonder how is doing on this day. Not only did he lose his mother but he lost her 10 before his 14th birthday. When it comes to my sister Rhonda, I think I try to play the mom role sometimes. Which, I admit is probably not a good idea...sorry Rhonda :( Then there is my youngest brother, Derrick. He was only 7 when she died. He has no memory of her what so ever. who can blame him? He was only 7. I think I feel kind of motherly to him as well. I know he can be a jerk and make extremly stupid and destructive choices, but deep inside my being I can't help thinking losing his mom played a part into him being so seperate from the rest of us. Maybe he is being just stupid right now, but my heart thinks he has junk inside that he is so scared to look at and so he runs...and doesn't look back. That makes me sad.
So here I sit , at the computer, feeling emptied of words and tears.
That piece is still hard to swallow...17 years later. I know it always will be, no matter how old I get.

All I know is I don't want to eat a piece of that cake for a really long time.

Why Cake and not Pie?

I thought I would let you in on a secret... I HATE pie! Always have! My husband calls me un-american because I detest apple pie. What can I say? I can't eat cooked fruit. The only pie I will give the time of day to is Key Lime...and I am picky :) I do however LOVE cake..especially chocolate with rasberry sauce. So that is why cake and not pie. :)

So, today, here I sit. At home, alone. Raegan really wanted to visit the preschool at our church today. The director is a close friend of mine and has a soft spot for Raegan. So she graciously allowed Raegan to come to her class today. What am I supposed to be doing? I am sure it isn't sitting here typing on the computer. I have laundry, a cluttered home and a craft area that needs to be organized. Yet, here I sit and continue to type. Why is that? Why is it I always tend to chose the thing I shouldn't? I sometimes confess to people that I can be lazy. They all usually say, "You aren't lazy! You deserve to do things for you." Truthfully, I think sometimes I use that to my advantage. I feel I could be such a better mother and wife than I am. I could be such a better child to my heavenly father. Yet, again, here I sit. Why do I not chose to do the RIGHT thing? This question haunts me...

Today

So, this is my first official blog...I am not really sure why I am starting one. Maybe it is because my sister-in-law has one and I read it all the time..and I love it. Just recently I read my brother's blog for the first time and was blown away with his verbage(did I even spell that right?) I don't think we come from the same tree. :) He has an amazing way with words and I can't wait to see the book he writes someday.
Maybe it is my attempt at being more of a whole individual. I have thoughts swirling in my head all the time that never leave the comfort of my brain. Sometimes I think I may burst...actually I think I do, just not through words. I lose my temper. I become closed in and quiet. No, not a typical "burst" but a burst nonetheless.
I love how my sister-in-law, Joy, tells stories about my niece. The make me laugh so much! Not only that, but she has the stories written to remember forever...and my stories are beginning to be lost. So, this is my attempt at that.
Last night we were watching Madagasgar 2 together as a family. Now, in this movie, for thouse of you who haven't seen it, there is a seen between Gloria the hippo and a male hippo named Moto Moto. He begins to sing her a song that goes like this... "I like em' round. I like em' chunky! I like em' big with some'in some'in!" Nathan is a huge fan of this song and does quite a nice impression. Today while we were watching Nathan wait for the bus, my daughter, Raegan, opened the front door and yelled out at her brother, "I like em' bacon! I like em' chunky!" and promptly shut the door. Then as we watched out the window, we see him begin to dance. So cute!!

Another story I need to get in writing before I forget.. One day as I was getting ready to do Raegan's hair, I asked her if I could put 2 pony tails in. She said "No mommy. I only want one pony." I sat there quietly for a moment and then interjected, "But Raegan, you would look so much prettier with two ponies!" She looked up and me and said "Mommy, if you argue with me I won't let you put any ponies in my hair!" She said it with such an air of mommyhood :) It took everything in me to correct her instead of laugh!

Well, I better go. It is getting late. Bye for now and enjoy your piece!