Cake...What is that??

So, it has been over a year since I have posted anything. I suppose that shows how inconsistent I am. I have never been very good at keeping a diary. Oh well...I am here now :)

It has been a very big year for me. SO much has happened and changed in my life. So let me begin. In April of 2010 I had a very eye-opening conversation with my husband. If you have read any of my posts before, you know that I am overweight. At times I am very frustrated with myself and the things I can't do. BUT despite that I LOVE who I am. I have never "felt" fat. It is when I see myself in pictures that it really hits home. My husband has ALWAYS called me beautiful and he makes me feel very attractive. I am so blessed in that regard.

So...back to the night in April 2010. My husband and I were having a conversation, again, about the gastric-bypass surgery. I told him, "I don't want to do it. It is the easy way out. I should be able to loss the weight by myself. Not to mention, I am terrified of that kind of major surgery." My husband, very lovingly said, "Gwen, I just don't understand. You have a potential cure for your diabetes in front of you. Why won't you consider that? I don't want you to die."
For those of you who don't know, I have been diabetic for 13 years. I am on 100 units of insulin a day, as well as metformin for my sugar. I have high blood pressure and I have borderline sleep apnea. This particular surgery has been looked at as a potential "cure" for diabetics. There have been radical outcomes for those with diabetes.

So, after hearing my husband put it that way, I decided I should at least look into it more. There is a doctor here in my area that is one of the best for this surgery. People travel from Canada to have him perform the surgery. I thought, if I am going to look into this, he has to be the doctor, but I knew that my insurance did not cover him. In calling his office, I found out that they were in the middle of contracting with my insurance company. So, should I choose to continue with them after the informational consult, I would be covered. WOW was all I thought.

After going to the informational consult I found out a lot. I realised that this surgery is NOT a "quick" fix. It is a lot of hard work and there are lots of rules that have to be followed afterwards. Like, no more soda..EVER. No drinking when you eat EVER. No more chewing gum, no more drinking through a straw. You only eat 3 meals a day...that is it. You still have to exercise. You still have to make SMART choices in food. ( I had this picture in my mind that this surgery would do the work for you) And you have to take vitamins for the rest of your life. (shouldn't we being doing this anyway???) I also found out my actual weight...291 lbs and my BMI..55 (just for perspective for my height a healthy BMI would be at most 25)

So, i decided. I would do the surgery. On July 8, 2010 I had the gastric bypass surgery. If there was even the slightest chance that I could be rid of diabetes, I had to try...so I did. After being in the hospital 2 days and not really losing any weight, I went home only on 40 units of insulin, no more metformin and no more high blood pressure medication.

It is now 15 months later...today is October 21, 2011. I am now only on 18 units of insulin a day. I take no other medication . I no longer have high blood pressure. I no longer have sleep apnea. I am a MUCH healthier person. Although I am not completely off my insulin, and truth be told, that may never happen (because I have been on it for so long) I take so much less. And as the weight continues to come off, that dosage will continue to drop. My personal goal is to get to 10 units a day. So, I have succeeded. This surgery has accomplished what I hoped. I believe I will be around to watch my kids grow and marry and have kids of their own :) I don't think I could have said that before.

I have also had a neat side effect from this surgery... :) I have lost weight.Yes I said side effect. Weight loss was not my goal...health was. Of course, the two go hand in hand. You can't be as heavy as I was and be healthy. So, I now weight 164 and my BMI is 31 and I am thrilled!!!

I have never wanted to be one of those people who obsesses over their weight and talks about it all the time. I really don't but I have to say it is great to feel so great. Now that I have lost 127lbs I can do SO much more!! I can sit in a booth and not be squished up against the table. I can sit down on the floor to play with my daughter without having to use my hands to get down. AND I can sit there without pain and play with her. I can go up and down stairs without pain in my knees. I have more energy and I feel so good!!

This surgery was one of the BEST decisions I have made in my life! (other than marrying my AWESOME husband and having my 3 beautiful children).

And as for eating all of those foods that I used to??? Well, I don't eat fast food anymore. I tried MC D's once and felt SO sick I haven't touched it again. I no longer eat pasta or rice..it doesn't feel good. I also don't eat bread very often either. A footlong sub at Subway used to feed me in one sitting (with chips and a diet) but now a footlong feeds me for 4 days (with NO chips and soda) :) It is a big change! However..I can still eat chocolate :) There are some that are no longer able to eat certain foods after this surgery, sugar being one of them. For me, that is not the case and I am happy about that :) I need chocolate every once in a while. But now it is a piece or two..not a whole candy bar. And cake?? What is that?? Now it is one or two bites and I am done. I can't eat a whole piece anymore. But that is ok with me. A taste now satisfies :)

This surgery is NOT an easy way out, like I thought it was. It is A LOT of work!! But my children and my husband are so worth it!!!

Before:

Today:

The Last Piece

There is the table...and the cake. Wait, there is no more cake. Just one last piece. You sit there, on the table waiting. Waiting to be picked, to be desired, to be wanted and enjoyed.

You started out as a piece of a whole cake. You were still an individual piece but part of something. Then one day the Master Chef comes in and begins to divide and seperate. At first you ask, "What are you doing? I like where I am and my role here." The Master Chef replies, " Yes, but the time has come to go on your own." "Ok," you decide and you prepare yourself for the selection to begin. You know you have much to offer and cannot wait to nourish and delight the one who selects you.

One by one you watch each piece leave the table. Expectantly you await your turn..but sadly that time does not come. It has been months and there you still sit. The Last Piece.

"Master Chef!" you call out. "What is going on? I thought I was supposed to go!" But no reply comes. It seems He has left you to. It seems as though He was wrong.

That poor piece of cake. It must be awful. Not to be wanted, desired. Just to sit there and wait. Alone. The Last Piece.

But maybe things aren't as they seem. Maybe there is a reason you are The Last Piece...

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, you here a voice. "Help!" "We are starving!" "Is there any food here??"

"Please, come in." the Master Chef replies. He leads them to the table where you sit. Beaming with pride, the Master Chef says..

"I have saved the very Best for Last..the Last Piece!"

Listen to Gwens playlist

Where has the sweetness gone?

Lately a whole lot of people have been wondering what is wrong with me. Of course not many of them are asking me, I hear it through the grapevine. Don't you love that??
Anyway... I didn't think anything was wrong with me. Do you ever find yourself at a place where you think and feel things deeply than usual? That is where I am right now..I guess I just didn't realize it had flowed over to my public face :)

Being a pastor's wife is sometimes not all that great. People expect more out of you. You cannot ever have a day (or a month) where you are quiet..God forbid! If you do there is automatically something wrong with you or you are being mean. It is very lonely being a pastor's wife. You can't talk to anyone really. Even those you feel like you can trust..you still can't tell them EVERYTHING. Too much at risk...too much hurt that can be caused. So..you talk to yourself. and when that happens, sometimes you can go crazy. Case in point:

I have been thinking so many things lately. Feeling things I haven't felt in years, and not really wanting to. I feel so lacking, in every area. Sometimes it feels like I go through the day in a fog. Not seeing anything or anyone around me. I am SO tired of being overweight. It gets really depressing sometimes. I know I could do more, but being diabetic at the same time makes it feel like an uphill battle that I will never win. I think about having the gastric bypass surgery just so I don't have to wait for it to disappear all the time. But truthfully, I am not ready for that surgery. I don't know if I ever will be. So I continue the fight...and continue to be wounded along the way.
I try to not let it show that my weight bothers me. I love myself as a person...so I try to walk in that. But truth be told..I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate sitting in a chair and seeing my stomache. I hate to have my picture taken. I hate the weight! When the times come where I am feeling good about myself and I "feel" like I am looking good...I see my reflection, or a picture and it disappears. I try..really I do. Just last week I was weighed at the doctor's office and I had lost 10 lbs. Then today I weighed myself and it is all back plus 2. I have not eaten more in the past week...in fact I have eaten a whole lot less because I have been sick. Nothing seems to work and I am so tired of working and not getting results!!

Well that is enough for tonight... I need to head off to bed. God, please hold me tonight.

Advancement Cake :)

Well, last night was Kaleb's 5th grade advancement ceremony. He is officially a 6th grader now! I still can't believe it. I still remember the little boy who dumped powdered donuts on my green carpet and then offered one to me. Look at him now...

He is starting to try and break away from the parental unit..although at times I can tell he doesn't want to. The pull from nature is something he can't fight :) He has finally been allowed to grow his hair out. He has begged us for this for a few years. Although dad still doesn't really like it...I do :) I think he looks very cute! In the pictures, he is in definite need of a haircut (very poofy), but I like it longer. I have always known Kaleb to love acting and singing. He has been in Christmas plays since he was 4, I guess I just never realized he actually is pretty good. He was in a musical his 5th grade class put on called The Wild West. He played several roles, but his favorite was Thomas Jefferson. The teachers continue to go on and on about how good he did. Even last night, I had his 4th grade teacher come up to me and say how he and another boy brought her to tears, they were so good. That makes me a PROUD mama. I hope he get involves in drama in 6th...he said he really wants to.
For finishing elementary school, I wanted to get him a gift, but I just didn't know what. It couldn't be really big..but something to say we are proud of him. My husband came up with a great idea. We got him a a gold chain, with the number one on it ( His baseball and basketball number were 1) He really liked it!

On a side note..getting ready for the ceremony last night, Raegan decided she would do something extra special to get ready..she would cut her hair! The funny thing is I never noticed, until I went to her room to help her get dressed. I opened the door and there on the floor was a pair of scissors and lots of beautiful golden hair!

I looked at her and said, "What did you do?!" She immediately broke into tears and said, "I am sorry mama!" I hugged her, trying to calm her down. Then I asked her, "Why did you do it?" Her response was, "I wanted to look pretty for Kaleb's graduation!" Kaleb heard us and came in. When we heard her say this he gathered her in his arms, trying to tell her it was OK and she was very pretty. So here is a close up of the "hack" job :) Truthfully you can't really tell all that much..maybe should do it for a living :)



All in all it was a good night. I am so proud of Kaleb! I am blessed to be his mom :)

Missing Cake

I have been absent for a while, haven't I? I think about writing all the time..but to many other things to do!
So here I am , found again :)

OK...so Easter came and went. It goes by so fast for us. There is always something at church. I went on our Youth Convention trip Easter weekend. I have done it for 5 years, but this was my last. I realized I am not cut out for it anymore :) I was able to get Nathan a new suit while I was out of town. Boy, was he excited!! Isn't he handsome!

But let us not forget Raegan and Kaleb too :)

they especially enjoyed the candy from the Easter bunny and the Easter pig :)

And now here we are in May already. Baseball season has begun for both boys. we have games or practices at least 3x a week or more :) whew! Kaleb is getting ready to go into Middle School. (that is just weird!!!) Nathan is finishing up 1st grade. Raegan is learning so much!! She can write her own name and she knows most of the letters in the alphabet now. Strangers are constantly dumbstruck with Raegan :)

Yesterday we were at Panera, eating lunch and I took Raegan to the bathroom. There was a lady in there who said to Raegan, "Oh, my what beautiful jammies you have on." To which Raegan replied, "These aren't jammies. I know they look like pj's but there not. They look like pj's but there not." So funny! Here is the outfit in question...

SO many things are in my head, I don't even know what to write.

Tomorrow is mother's day. I love being a mother, but can I say..there are things that life does not prepare you for as a mother :) Aging boys, opinionated girls, the need for reassurance, endless cuddles and kisses. Stories to be read EVERY night, messes that never end. Sometimes I really don't know where Gwen beings and Mommy ends. Maybe that is how it should be?

I love my little ones... the bring me joy unspeakable and at times worry unshakable but they are mine and I am truly blessed.

Girl Cake

I thought today I would tell you about a conversation I had with Raegan recently. It involves private parts, so the faint of heart should stop reading now :)

One day I was getting dressed and Raegan came in my room. Privacy is a privilege I lost when I had my first baby. Anyway, as I was getting dressed
she said "Mommy what are those?" (pointing to my chest)
I said, "Those are breasts."
Noticing she had a face on that said I can't say that word, I said, "They are boobies."
"Oh.."she said. " I don't have boobies, (lifting up her shirt) I have ribs."
I said " Well I have ribs too, they are just under my boobies."
"Oh, yeah, my boobies are under my ribs."
"No, honey, you don't have boobies yet, you won't get them till you are older."
"Oh...yeah, when I am bigger then I will have boobies!" (big smile on her face.)

It is so funny to see the differences between boys and girls. Raegan can't wait to look like me...wear a bra. I told her when she starts to have boobies that I will take her shopping and we will find her a bra. By her reaction you would have thought I was going to buy her a brand new toy! It is so cute!

I love my daughter so much, however I do not wish on her my boobies! Hopefully she will not take after me in that department