Saturday, July 25, 2009

Where has the sweetness gone?

Lately a whole lot of people have been wondering what is wrong with me. Of course not many of them are asking me, I hear it through the grapevine. Don't you love that??
Anyway... I didn't think anything was wrong with me. Do you ever find yourself at a place where you think and feel things deeply than usual? That is where I am right now..I guess I just didn't realize it had flowed over to my public face :)

Being a pastor's wife is sometimes not all that great. People expect more out of you. You cannot ever have a day (or a month) where you are quiet..God forbid! If you do there is automatically something wrong with you or you are being mean. It is very lonely being a pastor's wife. You can't talk to anyone really. Even those you feel like you can still can't tell them EVERYTHING. Too much at risk...too much hurt that can be caused. talk to yourself. and when that happens, sometimes you can go crazy. Case in point:

I have been thinking so many things lately. Feeling things I haven't felt in years, and not really wanting to. I feel so lacking, in every area. Sometimes it feels like I go through the day in a fog. Not seeing anything or anyone around me. I am SO tired of being overweight. It gets really depressing sometimes. I know I could do more, but being diabetic at the same time makes it feel like an uphill battle that I will never win. I think about having the gastric bypass surgery just so I don't have to wait for it to disappear all the time. But truthfully, I am not ready for that surgery. I don't know if I ever will be. So I continue the fight...and continue to be wounded along the way.
I try to not let it show that my weight bothers me. I love myself as a I try to walk in that. But truth be told..I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate sitting in a chair and seeing my stomache. I hate to have my picture taken. I hate the weight! When the times come where I am feeling good about myself and I "feel" like I am looking good...I see my reflection, or a picture and it disappears. I try..really I do. Just last week I was weighed at the doctor's office and I had lost 10 lbs. Then today I weighed myself and it is all back plus 2. I have not eaten more in the past fact I have eaten a whole lot less because I have been sick. Nothing seems to work and I am so tired of working and not getting results!!

Well that is enough for tonight... I need to head off to bed. God, please hold me tonight.


  1. Oh, Gwen, I totally understand the weight thing, and I'm with you. I really do have quite a bit of self confidence, and I like myself; I don't even picture myself in my head as being fat. Then I see a photo, and suddenly I'm down in the dumps. How did this happen to me? How did I let it happen? Why does it seem to happen more easily to me than to other people?

    I'm so sorry you're lonely. You can always, always talk to me. :-) I'm a pretty safe bet, being all the way in Colorado. I love you and am praying for you. Hang in there!!!!

  2. I enjoyed our talk tonight. I love you so much, and am so blessed and honored to have you as a friend. You are a gorgeous woman, a phenomenal mother, a godly amazing Proverbs 31 wife ... and the best friend I have ever ever EVER had, other than my own Proverbs 31 wife. :) I am glad you did this, Gwenny. Now ... in your strength, I hope there is room for me ... because I need that same strength to lose MY weight. And for that, you will always be my inspiration.