Lately a whole lot of people have been wondering what is wrong with me. Of course not many of them are asking me, I hear it through the grapevine. Don't you love that??
Anyway... I didn't think anything was wrong with me. Do you ever find yourself at a place where you think and feel things deeply than usual? That is where I am right now..I guess I just didn't realize it had flowed over to my public face :)
Being a pastor's wife is sometimes not all that great. People expect more out of you. You cannot ever have a day (or a month) where you are quiet..God forbid! If you do there is automatically something wrong with you or you are being mean. It is very lonely being a pastor's wife. You can't talk to anyone really. Even those you feel like you can trust..you still can't tell them EVERYTHING. Too much at risk...too much hurt that can be caused. So..you talk to yourself. and when that happens, sometimes you can go crazy. Case in point:
I have been thinking so many things lately. Feeling things I haven't felt in years, and not really wanting to. I feel so lacking, in every area. Sometimes it feels like I go through the day in a fog. Not seeing anything or anyone around me. I am SO tired of being overweight. It gets really depressing sometimes. I know I could do more, but being diabetic at the same time makes it feel like an uphill battle that I will never win. I think about having the gastric bypass surgery just so I don't have to wait for it to disappear all the time. But truthfully, I am not ready for that surgery. I don't know if I ever will be. So I continue the fight...and continue to be wounded along the way.
I try to not let it show that my weight bothers me. I love myself as a person...so I try to walk in that. But truth be told..I hate getting dressed in the morning. I hate sitting in a chair and seeing my stomache. I hate to have my picture taken. I hate the weight! When the times come where I am feeling good about myself and I "feel" like I am looking good...I see my reflection, or a picture and it disappears. I try..really I do. Just last week I was weighed at the doctor's office and I had lost 10 lbs. Then today I weighed myself and it is all back plus 2. I have not eaten more in the past week...in fact I have eaten a whole lot less because I have been sick. Nothing seems to work and I am so tired of working and not getting results!!
Well that is enough for tonight... I need to head off to bed. God, please hold me tonight.