Birthday Cake!

Today is the day my first sibling was born! Ryan Dean Moore...my baby brother. So I dedicate this blog to him,

An ode to Ryan

31 Reasons I love my brother Ryan...

1. He is my brother

2. Because we made a news show together on tape

3. He does the No Bones dance like no one I know!

4. He is a wonderful husband to his wife

5. He is an awesome father to his daughter

6. He knew where he wanted to live out his life and moved there.

7. He went to college.

8. He inspires me to be better

9. He makes me think about things

10. He has tea parties with his daughter (I have seen pictures)

11. He still loves G I Joe

12. He is a funny guy!

13. He makes an awesome Chicken Marsala!

14. He is still friends with his friends in highschool (amazing!)

15. He loves the simple things in life!

16. I love that I was the first to show how much I love him today :) (haha Rhonda)

17. He loves God...deeply.

18. He is a true superhero fan

19. Whether he realizes it or not, he is a superhero to some :)

20. He is opinionated

21. Because he believes me when I say the cantaloupe makes my throat itch

22. He is ALWAYS right.

23. One day he will be famous

24. He is a hard worker..even though Panera is not his final resting place.

25. He used to have hair that stuck up like woodstock

26. He survived brain surgery and has the scar to prove it

27. To me he resembles strong, quiet assurance

28. He is highly intelligent

29. Not really :) (just kidding..you are )

30. Years ago he sat and listened to me share difficult experiences I have had in my life and didn't do anything..except listen :)

31. And finally because one day I believe with all my heart he will be an author, because my brother has the most amazing talent in using the written word, and I (besides his wife) will be his biggest fan!!





Ryan,

You amaze me in ways you probably don't realize.
After living with you for 16 years, I think I am
Now beginning to know you..the real you.

I love you so much...Happy Birthday!!
Love, Your Big little sister

The piece that is hard to swallow...

Have you ever had that happen to you? You think the cake you are eating is great and could never disappoint and then as you swallow, the piece becomes lodged in your throat. That is my life today. Today is the piece I never wanted to swallow, but had no choice...and it hurt. It feels as though it is still there..even as I write this there is an ache in the middle of my throat. This piece marks the 17th year since my mother died. I was 16 at the time and a completely self absorbed teenager. That is one thing I wish I could go back and change. I would have cared more about her and who she was. Then she was just my mom. You know the lady who never let me do anything and was ruining my life. Now she is the mother that I wish was my friend. In all honestly..it was me who was ruining my life, not her. Not to say she was perfect..she wasn't. There are some decisions she made that I know of that I have to know what "not" to do. Like, hiding bills from your husband and getting so far in debt, there is almost no way out. But I am sure there is so much about her that was good and inspiring. Like the fact that mother was handicap. You know most people don't know that about her. When I talk about her, it is never anything I think to tell people. But she was. One of her legs was half the length of the other, and she was missing toes on each foot. She had 4 on the normal leg and 3 on the small leg. She was able to walk with a wooden leg. How I wish I could have her to ask questions like.." Mom, how was it growing up with a handicap?" "How did poeple treat you?" "If they were mean, how did you handle it?" "Why did you become a teacher?" " "Did you ever feel like God wasn't there?" " Mom, do think my wedding dress is beautiful?" "Mom, will you come into the delivery room with me?" "Mom I am so worried about Nathan sometimes, what should I do?" "When you have disagreements with your husband, what should you do?"
I could go on and on..and truth be told I would never stop. It is so funny how death affects you. In my life it has done a few things. I found myself being fearful of dying early in life..leaving my children without a mother. So I began a journal to my daughter. I attempt to answer random questions..anything I can think I might want to know from my mom. That way in case I die, I know she will know me in some way. I have always struggled with what to do for my sons. Still working on that one. Death has also made me love my siblings. They are my family...and i think about them all the time. At 16 I could have cared less about them...not anymore. I often think of Ryan and wonder how is doing on this day. Not only did he lose his mother but he lost her 10 before his 14th birthday. When it comes to my sister Rhonda, I think I try to play the mom role sometimes. Which, I admit is probably not a good idea...sorry Rhonda :( Then there is my youngest brother, Derrick. He was only 7 when she died. He has no memory of her what so ever. who can blame him? He was only 7. I think I feel kind of motherly to him as well. I know he can be a jerk and make extremly stupid and destructive choices, but deep inside my being I can't help thinking losing his mom played a part into him being so seperate from the rest of us. Maybe he is being just stupid right now, but my heart thinks he has junk inside that he is so scared to look at and so he runs...and doesn't look back. That makes me sad.
So here I sit , at the computer, feeling emptied of words and tears.
That piece is still hard to swallow...17 years later. I know it always will be, no matter how old I get.

All I know is I don't want to eat a piece of that cake for a really long time.

Why Cake and not Pie?

I thought I would let you in on a secret... I HATE pie! Always have! My husband calls me un-american because I detest apple pie. What can I say? I can't eat cooked fruit. The only pie I will give the time of day to is Key Lime...and I am picky :) I do however LOVE cake..especially chocolate with rasberry sauce. So that is why cake and not pie. :)

So, today, here I sit. At home, alone. Raegan really wanted to visit the preschool at our church today. The director is a close friend of mine and has a soft spot for Raegan. So she graciously allowed Raegan to come to her class today. What am I supposed to be doing? I am sure it isn't sitting here typing on the computer. I have laundry, a cluttered home and a craft area that needs to be organized. Yet, here I sit and continue to type. Why is that? Why is it I always tend to chose the thing I shouldn't? I sometimes confess to people that I can be lazy. They all usually say, "You aren't lazy! You deserve to do things for you." Truthfully, I think sometimes I use that to my advantage. I feel I could be such a better mother and wife than I am. I could be such a better child to my heavenly father. Yet, again, here I sit. Why do I not chose to do the RIGHT thing? This question haunts me...

Today

So, this is my first official blog...I am not really sure why I am starting one. Maybe it is because my sister-in-law has one and I read it all the time..and I love it. Just recently I read my brother's blog for the first time and was blown away with his verbage(did I even spell that right?) I don't think we come from the same tree. :) He has an amazing way with words and I can't wait to see the book he writes someday.
Maybe it is my attempt at being more of a whole individual. I have thoughts swirling in my head all the time that never leave the comfort of my brain. Sometimes I think I may burst...actually I think I do, just not through words. I lose my temper. I become closed in and quiet. No, not a typical "burst" but a burst nonetheless.
I love how my sister-in-law, Joy, tells stories about my niece. The make me laugh so much! Not only that, but she has the stories written to remember forever...and my stories are beginning to be lost. So, this is my attempt at that.
Last night we were watching Madagasgar 2 together as a family. Now, in this movie, for thouse of you who haven't seen it, there is a seen between Gloria the hippo and a male hippo named Moto Moto. He begins to sing her a song that goes like this... "I like em' round. I like em' chunky! I like em' big with some'in some'in!" Nathan is a huge fan of this song and does quite a nice impression. Today while we were watching Nathan wait for the bus, my daughter, Raegan, opened the front door and yelled out at her brother, "I like em' bacon! I like em' chunky!" and promptly shut the door. Then as we watched out the window, we see him begin to dance. So cute!!

Another story I need to get in writing before I forget.. One day as I was getting ready to do Raegan's hair, I asked her if I could put 2 pony tails in. She said "No mommy. I only want one pony." I sat there quietly for a moment and then interjected, "But Raegan, you would look so much prettier with two ponies!" She looked up and me and said "Mommy, if you argue with me I won't let you put any ponies in my hair!" She said it with such an air of mommyhood :) It took everything in me to correct her instead of laugh!

Well, I better go. It is getting late. Bye for now and enjoy your piece!